Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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