There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
