and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
That reminds me...we need to get swords
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
