I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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