Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
