I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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