Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Randomize
