So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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