My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
