I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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