Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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