Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
