Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
