just tell him i said nine months
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
