God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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