just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
