I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
