Someone shit on the floor
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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