I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
