I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
