btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
