It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
