pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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