May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
