so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
