apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
