there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
