Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
