Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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