my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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