Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
