How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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