well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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