How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
