Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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