i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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