I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
