don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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