i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
