i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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