Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
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remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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