I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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