The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she peed on how many people?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Is it penis luge time yet?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Shame - the story of my life.
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