i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
