i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
