Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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