meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
