If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
