Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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