he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
