A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
