i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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