just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
