I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
