Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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