First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
