She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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